Love, Lost and Hurt
by h3llfrz
Summary: Someone from Tony's past reappears. I can't think of a real way to summarize but please, please, please read any way. It is TIVA and rated teen just for caution because of language. Written in Tony's perspective.
1. One

**Author's Note: I had this written in my notebook for a while now. Only four short chapters so it will be all posted in one go. Hope you enjoy it and please review.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS ******

**One**

I never thought it would be like this when I saw her again.

Sure, she is as beautiful as ever and her eyes…God! She has beautiful eyes. Sparkling eyes.

But of course nothing is how I imagined it would be.

There she is smiling…smiling so lovingly up at some guy…some guy that's not me.

Oh! She's looking this way. Did she see me? I hope not. I don't know what I'd do if she saw me.

Oh no! She did see me, she's coming over.

My heart is racing. Am I panicking? I can't be. Can I?

Oh God! She's almost here, any moment now and she'll be right in front of me.

Quick! I have to think of something to say. But what? It's been years, two years, since I last saw her.

What do you say to the woman whose heart you crushed?

Wait…I did crush her heart. Does she still hate me? Is she coming over here to tell me that?

No…she's smiling. Why is she smiling?

She's standing right in front of me now. Can she tell? Can she see my panic? My uncertainty?

"Tony!"

She sounds excited. Why is she excited? If I was in her shoes I'd be pissed at me.

She's looking at me now, expectantly. What is she expecting?

Oh shit! I've been staring at her like a moron for the pass minute.

My mouth is moving, I can feel it. Opening and closing, and opening and closing, but no words or sounds is being made.

Damn! I must look like a stupid fish.

Okay! Let's try this again. Breath Tony! Breath! Now…

"Hey Ziva."

Whew! I did it. I spoke.

She's smiling again. God! I love her smile.

I love her. I do. I really, really do.

Why did I hurt her? Oh yes! I remember. I'm a jerk…a stupid, stupid jerk.

She never deserved what I did, but maybe it was for the best. She looks happy, smiling…smiling so lovingly up at some guy that's not me.

"I intended to search you up," she say oh so sweetly with that beautiful smile still fixed on her face.

I have to fight the urge to correct her.

"Yes?" My voice sounds strange. Is that really my voice.

"Yes," she says, "I am glad that I get to see you now."

I am shocked. She can't be serious.

"Really?"

I can tell she hears the disbelief in my voice. It is hard to hide.

"Yes. I was hoping that we could get together to talk. Just to talk."

I can feel something deep inside me sink. I was a little hopeful at her words.

"Okay." I manage to squeeze out.

This would be funny if it wasn't so pathetic. I can't remember the last time I was reduced to one word replies.

"I am staying at the Embasero Hotel. Can you meet me there for dinner at 07:00?"

"Yes." What else could I possibly say.

She is smiling again.

"Ok Tony. See you then." Could her voice be sweeter?

"Bye!" That came out as a squeak. So not what I intended.

She's walking away, back to that guy. Now they are walking…hand in hand…away from me.

Her voice is still ringing in my ear, even now that I can't even see her anymore.

I am hopeless.

**Author's Note: Ok so I couldn't remember the name of the hotel Ziva was staying at in Kill Ari part 2 but I still wanted to use it. I think what I put is right but if not please corrct me. If it is right review me anyway ********.**


	2. Two

**Author's Note: Second Chapter now. I was way too tired last night to type it up. Ok so it definitely warrants teen rating. I completely forgot that this chapter was like this.**

**Two**

I wonder why she wants to have dinner with me? If I was in her shoes I'd stay far away from me.

I can still remember the night that I hurt her, as clear as if it had happened only yesterday.

At first I didn't remember and by the time I did remember it was too late and I had already lost everything that meant anything to me.

We were just finishing up a case, the victim was a senior NCIS agent who was gunned down in a restaurant.

It hit me hard. It reminded me so much of Jenny and I felt horrible all week, overcome with grief and guilt, and of course she noticed.

I just wanted to wash away my sorrow, so I did. With a bottle of Absolut vodka in the dark.

I was already more than half way through the bottle when my doorbell rang. I ignored it, but of course Ziva being Ziva ignored the obvious signs that I wanted to be alone and picked the lock and entered anyway.

She said nothing, she only sat down beside me on the couch in the darkness and we stayed that way for awhile. A few minutes passed then I got up half stumbling to get a glass and poured out some of the vodka for her and returned to my earlier position.

A don't know how long we sat there after that but it felt like forever and I definitely have no idea how much more I'd drank but I was really feeling the liquor. All I really know is that I didn't expect it.

"Tony," she said breaking the silence, "I wanted to say this for a long time." Her voiced sounded so vulnerable but I was too drunk to realize.

"What is it Zee?" I asked, or did I slur. I really don't remember.

"I am not very good at things like this," she said.

Her words were lined with nervousness but I didn't registered it in my vodka filled head.

"I like you," she told me.

"I know you do Zee-vah."

"You do?"

"Yeah we are friends aren't we?" Now that I think back I sounded so drunk I can believe I could actually form words.

"Oh!…Tony I do not think you understand. I…I do not like you as friend, I…I think…no I know that I love you."

I don't know what happened. I knew that I love her too. I had loved her for a long time, but I wasn't thinking straight. All I could think about were her lips and how soft and sexy they looked as she licked them uncertainly.

Before I could stop myself I was leaning over and claiming her lips with mine.

I shouldn't have, I was drunk and she shouldn't have allowed me but how could it be her fault when she was the vulnerable one.

The kiss ignited quickly. Before I knew what was happening we were wrestling for control on my living room floor while trying to rid each other of our clothes.

She was on top of me topless and braless. My desire over took me and the next thing I know I had carried her through to my bedroom and was throwing her down on my bed fiercely.

I rid us both of the rest of our clothes quickly and she let me have control.

We started off fast and hard but finished slow, soft and totally and completely in sync.

Everything was perfect, beyond perfect even, that is until that last moment when we reached our climax. Together.

She screamed. God! When she first told me she was a screamer I didn't really believe.

"I love you so much Tony!" she proclaimed.

I groaned my release and being the stupid, drunk, jerk that I was I collapsed on top of her, "I love you too Jeanne," I told her before rolling off of her and slipping into a drunken slumber.

I woke up the next morning naked, alone and feeling as if I had lost my whole world. I didn't know what I had lost but I felt it and I didn't think much about being naked because I sleep naked.

I went to work Monday and as always my world brightened when I saw her, but it wasn't the same. She wasn't the same.

There was no more teasing, no more flirting, no more pranks on McGee and she was so cold to me. I felt my world slipping away even more.

Slowly the memories started to return, but I thought it was only a dream. An amazing dream but just a dream.

A month and a half passed and then she announced that she was returning to Israel. Two weeks later she was gone. Gone from my life.

One night I was sitting at home alone drinking tequila feeling sorry that I never told her how I felt. That was when it all came back to me, like someone had opened the flood gates and the waters gushed through over powering me.

I felt horrible. I wanted to tell her that I didn't mean it, that I loved her and only her, that what we shared was beyond anything I had ever experienced with anyone before and that included Jeanne. No, that meant especially Jeanne.

It was too late. I tried getting in touch with her but Mossad was giving me the run around, she never answered my calls and she never replied to my emails.

I still send her emails. One every week.

Now she's back and all I want is to tell her how much I love her, how much I missed her and how sorry I am, but she's Happy. With someone else.

I love her. How could I ruin her happiness? All I can do now is tell her that I am sorry and that I am happy that she is happy. Even if it is with someone else.


	3. Three

**Author's Note: I am the biggest procrastinator in the word. I have the chapters all ready written but as soon as I type up a chapter or even reach half way through I get the urge to get up and do something else and yes I usually do. Any way I hope this chapter is enjoyable.**

**Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah still don't own it.**

**Three**

Damn! It's already time to meet her. I can't believe how nervous I am.

I am walking in the hotel now. Oh God! There she is, waiting for me in the lobby. She's so beautiful, especially in green. That dress she's wearing reminds me of the one she wore when we went undercover together years ago.

Why am I such a stupid jerk? She could have been mine.

We greet and she leads me to the hotel restaurant. We sit across from each other in silence for a while and then…

"Tony I…"

"Ziva I…"

We began at the same time. I love the way she says my name.

"You go ahead Tony," she offers.

I'm trying to smile but it feels more like a painful wince.

"I'msooosorryZivaforeverythingI…"

She cuts me off. "Breath Tony," she says with a small smile.

I smile realizing that I must sound stupid. I take a deep breath to calm my nerves and start again.

"I'm sorry Ziva," I tell her, "I never meant to hurt you. I am an idiot, I know that I am. I didn't want to hurt you but I did and I am sorry for that." I blurted out.

She is smiling. Why? Oh yes I forgot she is happy now. Happy with someone else.

She is about to speak but I cut her off, "I can see now that you are happy and I'm glad.

She is still smiling. She's so beautiful when she smiles. I can figure out why she is smiling though, I know for a fact if the roles were reversed I would he upset, but that is one of the things I love most about her. You never know what to expect.

"Tony I love you."

See what I mean. Wait just one minute. What did she just say? That can't be true. I'd hate me.

I can feel my jaw hanging and I know I must look ridiculous but I can't seem to help it. I must have heard her wrong.

"I will always love you I think," she says.

Guess I didn't hear wrong after all. On the outside I am still gaping like an idiot but on the inside I grinning like an even bigger idiot.

"but I understand now," she continues, "you can not love me back. Not when you already love Jeanne and I know it is wrong to expect it from you."

"I…"

"It is okay Tony," she cuts me off, "I did not ask you here to bring up the pass."

"You didn't?"

"No. I…" she sighs, "I wanted to see you again and let you know that even though I can never have your love I still have a part of you, a part of you that I shall love no matter what and will return my love, and that I am grateful for that.

Now I am confused. What does she mean by that?

She can see my confusion, I can tell by the expression in her eyes. I can always tell by her eyes.

"We have a daughter."

I am shocked, overwhelmed by emotion. Confusion, Pride, Excitement, Happiness, Doubt, Hurt and Unconditional Love.

Unconditional love for this extraordinary woman in front of me and a three year old baby girl I have never met, and hurt because Ziva did not tell me about our daughter until now.

"A daughter?" I question in disbelief.

She nods.

"Her name is Tali."

"You named her after your sister?"

She nods once more.

"Does she have my surname?"

Again she nods, "And your eyes."

Wow! I have a baby girl with green eyes and Ziva's beauty.

"Wow!" I say. My imagination is starting to get away from me now. "Do you…" I begin to ask but she cuts me off.

"Here," she says handing a picture.

I look at the picture and is stunned. She has her mother's smile and she is the most beautiful baby girl I have ever seen.

Wait, I am biased aren't I?

I can't help but smile with pride. How can I not already love my baby girl?

"I want you to be a part of her life, but only if you want to." Ziva says pulling me out of my thoughts.

I look up from the picture and in to her eyes.

"You couldn't keep me away if you tried," I tell her with a half smile.

She returning my smile. "She is with my cousin and his wife now. You can come see her tomorrow if you want to." she tells me.

She is smiling again. God! I love her smile.

We finish dinner, she gives me her cousin's address and we agree that I will come over in the morning.

We part on good terms and as I drive away, heading home, I can't help but feeling nervous and excited at once, all over again.

**Author's Note: Ok so I know that everyone names Ziva and Tony's daughter Tali but I like that name and I think they would name their daughter that if they have one (finger's crossed). Review please and tell me what you think.**


	4. Four

**Author's Note: Finally the last chapter. I have got to be the biggest procrastinator in the universe. Well hope you guys enjoy this one and please review. I wanna know what you think of it.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS or it's character…whatever!**

**Four**

Now I am really panicking and all these panicky thoughts are going through my mind.

What if Tali doesn't like me? What is I'm no good with her? What if I completely mess up our first meeting? What if Ziva changes her mind? How do I even know if I'll be a good dad? And a whole lot more questions like that.

"_I have to get over my panic. I have to, I have to."_ I keep telling myself.

I am walking up the pathway to Ziva's cousin's house. It is a nice house, I can almost imagine raising my own kids in a house like this.

I ring the doorbell.

It as got to be the longest thirty seconds of my life as I am waiting for someone to answer the door.

The door slowly opens and, Oh God! It's that man and the panic raises it's ugly head again. I'm not thinking straight, all that is going through my mind is that my little girl might be calling this man in front of me daddy. This man who isn't me and Ziva was smiling happily and lovingly at.

"Shalom!" the man says cheerily, "you must be Tony. I am Daniel David."

Suddenly it is like a weight has been lifted and I feel as if I am floating. I am smiling now, thank God I'm not that guy.

I shake Daniel's hand and he leads me inside.

"Tony!"

"I look up to see Ziva smiling down at me. Her hair is down and curly, I love it when she wears it like that and I can't help the warmth creeping through my body at the sight of her.

She signals for me to come upstairs and I can barely stop myself from taking the stairs two at a time in my excitement.

I am going to meet my baby daughter.

Ziva is leading me down the hall and as we approach our destination my excitement returns to panic.

She opens a door and there in front of me as we enter the room is a woman holding a giggling little girl.

"Tony, this is my cousin's wife Marianne," Ziva told me, "and this is Tali," she says taking the little girl from the woman and giving her a quick tickle causing her to giggling more.

I take a half step forward feeling very nervous. _"Please like me, please don't cry when I get near you."_ I silently begged.

"Tali this is…"

"Aba!" squealed the little girl happily cutting Ziva off.

I am shocked, I have never felt this good about anything in my entire life.

Ziva is smiling, "I show her pictures," she tells me.

Tali is reaching for me and I take her in my arms. Nothing could possibly feel more right than having my beautiful baby girl in my arms. Well…maybe having Ziva there too.

I give Tali a big hug and I can see Ziva smiling happily nearby.

"I renewed my liaison position at NCIS," she tells me, "I will start work in two weeks."

"Really?" my voice is a little squeaky.

"Yes."

I know what she is thinking, I can see it in the sad half smile she gives me. She is thinking that the only reason I would want to have her around is because I want to be near Tali, but it's just not true.

I want to tell her how I feel but she'll never believe me, she just think I am saying it because of Tali. I would think that.

I can wait, I will wait and when I do tell her it will be perfect. I already have my grandmother's engagement ring stored away in a bank vault ready to give her.

I'm an impatient man, a very impatient man but this I can wait for and when the time is right I'll finally have my world back. Only this time it would be better because not only will I have my beautiful Ziva but I'll also have our precious baby Tali.

I just hope the boss doesn't kill me for breaking rule twelve before that can happen, 'cause that would really, really suck.

**Finish**


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